Conflict is the enemy. Whether you stay married or get divorced, it’s the conflict—not your marriage or your divorce—that has the greatest impact on your child’s well-being. This is what researchers have determined after looking into the issue for decades. As a result, you want to look for ways to reduce ongoing conflict.

There are times it’s impossible to avoid conflict altogether, but there are steps you can take to help keep your kids away from it:

• Speak respectfully about your ex in front of the children. No blaming, shaming or bad-mouthing. Your ex may not deserve your respect, but your children do. They don’t want to feel torn between parents.
• Communicate with your ex directly. Don’t use your children as spies or messengers. Don’t allow your spouse to do so either. Make sure your channels for communication don’t include your children.
• Acknowledge and honor your children’s feelings. Especially if you have the bulk of parenting time, your children might say they miss your ex. Allow them to. Don’t take offense or try to block their affections.
• Develop a solid parenting plan. You’ll most likely need to share parenting time with your ex, and a clear, buttoned-down parenting plan may help set boundaries. By erasing confusion, it may reduce potential conflicts. A good plan may also increase your child’s sense of stability.

You want to do right by your kids. It’s not always easy to work with your ex, but every step you take to minimize conflict can pay off down the road.